I laughed out loud when you described your current relationship as "exciting and boring." I can totally relate! I used to think that drama and conflict were signs of passion, but now I realize that true love is often found in the quiet moments.
It's the shared meals, the lazy Sundays, the inside jokes, and the unwavering support that really matter. It's not about fireworks and grand gestures, but the steady flame of a love that grows deeper with time.
So here's to the "boring" relationships! May they be filled with laughter, love, and a whole lot of shared adventures.
That was spot-on and very insightful. Thank you for sharing your insight and creating useful content that is informative and helpful. Please don't stop. :)
Love this. A healthy relationship will never be perfect but it will reflect a true partnership versus one person appropriating the other as an escape and refusal to embrace their own healing.
I read this very carefully and couldn't help but think of my experiences as well as those of many people I know, including marriages that have lasted for more than five decades. Maybe, or surely, we are all irreparably damaged at some level, and the high level of emotional stability and independence that the article speaks of is not possible in all cases, but as someone once told me: "people fail in their marriages because they come together for anything except to build a marriage," and it is true.
I do not agree with everything that is said in this article because I know that despite the wounds, people can work together to do something good, but I support the idea that we must have the will to face our own problems, without this everything becomes complicated. Good communication is the basis of everything.
How healthy is it to give without expecting anything in return, receiving nothing in return forever (nothing is nothing), all in the name of "healthy love"? I ask this not because I want to challenge what is politically (or psychologically) correct, but because of what one of my family elders told me. He was married for almost 70 years when I was in a situation of financial and emotional ruin after "selfishly" leaving a former partner who asked and asked and asked, but wouldn't even sleep with me "because I wasn't compassionate, I wanted something from him." That elder told me: "Well, I keep track of everything my wife does to keep me comfortable and calm in my home, and she keeps track of what I do to keep her safe, it would hurt me if she didn't reciprocate, because neither she nor I married on public welfare, and if we stopped doing it, there would be no point in being together, this is a democracy, not a monarchy."
My exact question is:
To what extent should our needs for companionship, for certainty,
our emotional needs and also those for physical contact be annulled in the name of unselfish and healthy love. To what extent should you annul our desires, our human needs, our longings, in order not to be "toxic", to be psychologically correct.
this is a fascinating question and a very subjective one, imo. We all have differing needs and bring different qualities to a relationship. What may be 'toxic' for one--depending on their subjective preferences, past, traumas, ect--might not be for another.
A great read. I was especially drawn to what you wrote about Chemistry. From my observations, it's so true. Recently, I was part of a dinner conversation where a parent described his daughter in a similar situation. It strikes me now that his daughter's plight reflected his relationship with his wife. My point is, if we neglect our own issues, we'll pass them on to the next generation.
Transitioning from an unhealthy, dependent relationship to a healthy, independent one shifts the source of excitement from internal, emotional conflicts to external, hands-on challenges. Instead of feeling intense chemistry rooted in conflicting beliefs, people in healthy relationships feel a deep sense of peace with one another. This makes communication easier, as there is no fear of accidentally saying the wrong thing. When communication becomes easier, alignment of goals and values does, too. Through effective communication, you can learn so much more about another person than you could by manipulating them or allowing them to manipulate you.
If you consistently fear you will say the wrong thing and “offend” your partner or friend, then I suggest you pivot, reevaluate, and take a good long look at yourself first. Ask yourself, “what is my part in this dance? Am I the manipulator or am I allowing myself to be manipulated?”
I recently did this with a close friend and through this self reflection realized I was allowing manipulation to happen. I wasn’t a victim; I was a willing participant in an unhealthy relationship.
It’s been four months of hard work. End result is the relationship collapsed because of my refusal to be a victim. There’s a reason it’s called a dance!
this is such a good suggestion! I wanted to go deeper into this topic of being offended by "the wrong thing" but wasn't sure how to present that. You did a great job here!
Be brave, be yourself, be courageously yourself because if you compartmentalize, that sh$t will ooze out and it won’t be productive or kind.
Take it from someone who has tried to fit into a box way go small for her entire adult life.
I was either working so damn hard to be liked/loved or being a complete a-hole pushing people away. Sounds sort of insane?! That’s because it is insane behavior!
Mixing a planner with a spontaneous person sounds like a recipe for either the best adventure or a sitcom episode. And don’t get me started on the saver and the spender—they must have some epic “discussions” over grocery shopping! 😄
Thanks for the enlightening and entertaining read.
Beautifully said, it also removes the default shift to blame to explain that partner dynamics are important and for us to assess who WE are in that process. 🔥
Cheers to healthy and boring relationships! 🍾👍🏽💯
right! 😂
I laughed out loud when you described your current relationship as "exciting and boring." I can totally relate! I used to think that drama and conflict were signs of passion, but now I realize that true love is often found in the quiet moments.
It's the shared meals, the lazy Sundays, the inside jokes, and the unwavering support that really matter. It's not about fireworks and grand gestures, but the steady flame of a love that grows deeper with time.
So here's to the "boring" relationships! May they be filled with laughter, love, and a whole lot of shared adventures.
Thank you, Alexander! 😁
Steady flames > fireworks all day!
That was spot-on and very insightful. Thank you for sharing your insight and creating useful content that is informative and helpful. Please don't stop. :)
Thank you so much, William!
I love the clarity of your examples! May we all strive towards and enjoy healthy relationships!
thank you, Diana!
Love this. A healthy relationship will never be perfect but it will reflect a true partnership versus one person appropriating the other as an escape and refusal to embrace their own healing.
Thank you so much, Jim! 🙏 totally agree
I read this very carefully and couldn't help but think of my experiences as well as those of many people I know, including marriages that have lasted for more than five decades. Maybe, or surely, we are all irreparably damaged at some level, and the high level of emotional stability and independence that the article speaks of is not possible in all cases, but as someone once told me: "people fail in their marriages because they come together for anything except to build a marriage," and it is true.
I do not agree with everything that is said in this article because I know that despite the wounds, people can work together to do something good, but I support the idea that we must have the will to face our own problems, without this everything becomes complicated. Good communication is the basis of everything.
Thank you so much for this feedback! I truly appreciate it
I want to add something else.
How healthy is it to give without expecting anything in return, receiving nothing in return forever (nothing is nothing), all in the name of "healthy love"? I ask this not because I want to challenge what is politically (or psychologically) correct, but because of what one of my family elders told me. He was married for almost 70 years when I was in a situation of financial and emotional ruin after "selfishly" leaving a former partner who asked and asked and asked, but wouldn't even sleep with me "because I wasn't compassionate, I wanted something from him." That elder told me: "Well, I keep track of everything my wife does to keep me comfortable and calm in my home, and she keeps track of what I do to keep her safe, it would hurt me if she didn't reciprocate, because neither she nor I married on public welfare, and if we stopped doing it, there would be no point in being together, this is a democracy, not a monarchy."
My exact question is:
To what extent should our needs for companionship, for certainty,
our emotional needs and also those for physical contact be annulled in the name of unselfish and healthy love. To what extent should you annul our desires, our human needs, our longings, in order not to be "toxic", to be psychologically correct.
this is a fascinating question and a very subjective one, imo. We all have differing needs and bring different qualities to a relationship. What may be 'toxic' for one--depending on their subjective preferences, past, traumas, ect--might not be for another.
A great read. I was especially drawn to what you wrote about Chemistry. From my observations, it's so true. Recently, I was part of a dinner conversation where a parent described his daughter in a similar situation. It strikes me now that his daughter's plight reflected his relationship with his wife. My point is, if we neglect our own issues, we'll pass them on to the next generation.
You are so correct! Children need exposure to healthy relationships so they can create them for themselves--and that starts with us.
Loved this piece this week. So insightful and thought-provoking.
Thank you so much, Tory!
One more comment. It’s none of your business what other people think about you.
Say that to yourself at least once a day! It’s life altering.
amen to that! 💛🙌
Transitioning from an unhealthy, dependent relationship to a healthy, independent one shifts the source of excitement from internal, emotional conflicts to external, hands-on challenges. Instead of feeling intense chemistry rooted in conflicting beliefs, people in healthy relationships feel a deep sense of peace with one another. This makes communication easier, as there is no fear of accidentally saying the wrong thing. When communication becomes easier, alignment of goals and values does, too. Through effective communication, you can learn so much more about another person than you could by manipulating them or allowing them to manipulate you.
If you consistently fear you will say the wrong thing and “offend” your partner or friend, then I suggest you pivot, reevaluate, and take a good long look at yourself first. Ask yourself, “what is my part in this dance? Am I the manipulator or am I allowing myself to be manipulated?”
I recently did this with a close friend and through this self reflection realized I was allowing manipulation to happen. I wasn’t a victim; I was a willing participant in an unhealthy relationship.
It’s been four months of hard work. End result is the relationship collapsed because of my refusal to be a victim. There’s a reason it’s called a dance!
this is such a good suggestion! I wanted to go deeper into this topic of being offended by "the wrong thing" but wasn't sure how to present that. You did a great job here!
Thank you, Jen.
Be brave, be yourself, be courageously yourself because if you compartmentalize, that sh$t will ooze out and it won’t be productive or kind.
Take it from someone who has tried to fit into a box way go small for her entire adult life.
I was either working so damn hard to be liked/loved or being a complete a-hole pushing people away. Sounds sort of insane?! That’s because it is insane behavior!
Mixing a planner with a spontaneous person sounds like a recipe for either the best adventure or a sitcom episode. And don’t get me started on the saver and the spender—they must have some epic “discussions” over grocery shopping! 😄
Thanks for the enlightening and entertaining read.
LOL! Thank you, Mohika!
Best read of the day, thank you.
Thank you so much, Adam!
Beautifully said, it also removes the default shift to blame to explain that partner dynamics are important and for us to assess who WE are in that process. 🔥
Absolutely!!!
Beautifully written, this unlocked parts of my mind and answered alot of my questions. Thank you 🌹
You have no idea how I have prayed for this insight! Thank you for sharing ❤️
A great article with msny valuable insights to remember 😌🦋✨