Transcend Trauma, Transform, and Thrive

Uprooting Trauma, Did You Try?, How to Be Normal, Love and Loss, Come Alive

I.

Uprooting Trauma

“As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself… The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.”

Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., The Body Keeps the Score

After years of reluctance, I began talk therapy this year. The experience has been a mix of discomfort and relief. While overcoming challenging past experiences can elevate one’s resilience, burying trauma allows suffering to persist within. Only when we confront and openly discuss our trauma can we initiate an agreement akin to an inner peace treaty. To end the internal conflict, we must acknowledge how suppressed trauma has shaped our personality.

The sole way to transcend deeply rooted trauma is by extracting it. The longer you’ve suppressed your trauma, the deeper its roots. Uprooting is hard work – emotionally taxing, physically demanding, and mentally draining. It takes immense courage, but it’s the only viable path forward.

II.

Did You Try?

It’s that time of year when people reflect on whether they’ve measured up to the goals they set for themselves just twelve months prior. Self-evaluations can be challenging, as we often fall short of fulfilling everything we’ve set out to do, hindered by life’s unforeseen disruptions. Over the course of a year, we get pulled in so many different directions it’s as if we’ve been learning how to kiteboard in a hurricane. 

So if (or when) you succumb to this kind of year-end introspection, I challenge you to ask yourself what really matters: Did you try? 

Elizabeth Gilbert writes in her sensational memoir Eat, Pray, Love,

“This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.” 

Whether you tried or not, the possibility of failure looms. But our odds of success increase significantly when we make an effort – even if it entails potential heartbreak. I reckon that the heartbreak stemming from a failed endeavor differs from the regret of not trying at all. Heartbreak from failure is temporary and eventually transforms into hope, while heartbreak from regret is sustained. 

As the year ends, it’s not what you did or didn’t do that matters. What matters is that you tried. And that you’ll try again. 

(𝕏 quote)

III.   

How to Be Normal 

I recently uncovered that at the root of my perfectionism (which has been crippling, btw) is an underlying fear of rejection. Make sure everything you do is perfect so there’s no opportunity for rejection – this is the kind of irrational logic that makes complete and total sense to the fragile human psyche.

Fear of rejection has been with me since childhood and persists to this day. It stems from my desire to fit in with the “cool kids,” of which I never quite made the cut. In short, I wasn’t normal enough. I didn’t wear the right clothes, I didn’t have the right interests, I didn’t have the right family, and I didn’t do the right things.

To this day, I still find myself afflicted by the fear of rejection. Just a couple of years ago, I tried changing who I was to fit in with a group of women akin to the “cool kids” I desperately wanted to fit in with in middle school. At first, it appeared that I had made the cut. I was invited to things and partook in the obligatory “candid” Instagram photos. But maintaining a false façade over a long period is exhausting. I could only talk about Taylor Swift and TikTok trends for so long before it became evident that I was indifferent.

Ultimately, I left the group. And while this departure was my choice, I still suffered from the fear of rejection. I acknowledged that I still don’t have what it takes to fit in – I’m still not normal.

But what is this normalcy that my psyche so desperately desires, anyway? What does it mean to be a normal person? After much deliberation, I finally found the answer:

There is no such thing as a normal person. “Normal” is a setting on a washing machine.

(𝕏 quote)

IV.   

Love and Loss

Love is an elusive thing. It can take on different forms and meanings, such as an agreement, a condition, a hope, an escape, or a romance. In Ancient Greek philosophy, love is categorized into four types: agape (selfless, unconditional love), eros (passionate, romantic love), philia (friendship love), and storge (familial love).

Depending on its context, love is felt in different ways. And when the focus of our love is no longer with us, the loss of love is felt differently, too. Losing someone we deeply care about feels like losing a part of ourselves. But, just as our bodies can heal, so can our spirits over time.

We are mortal beings, as are those we love. Therefore, completely losing oneself in love is imprudent. It’s essential to maintain a strong sense of self and recognize love for what it is – ephemeral. But it’s fleeting nature is also what makes love so remarkable. Be present when love surrounds you, be patient with its timing, and show gratitude when love manifests in your life. And remember this:

Love can be lost just as quickly as it can be found. 

(𝕏 quote)

V.   

Come Alive

As we set our sights on the year ahead (and ponder what exactly we should be doing with our lives), remember this:

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Cheers for being a part of my journey, dear reader!